Fashion Incompetence

Fashion Incompetence

While I would love to dedicate this article about new designers in America like Andre Benjamin (a.k.a. Andre 3000), I simply have a more important task at hand that deals with the infuriating incompetence in America, this is in regards to fashion of course. This blog is to show my frustration with the people that are fashion incompetent. But let me begin by eliminating the current stereotype of people that are boulevardiers (simply put, man/women who enjoys and has fashion), and that is that we are a materialistic group who have a limited understanding of ourselves. Well, this couldn’t be further from the truth, in fact I believe we have a better understanding of ourselves because of our heightened sense, so to speak. The people that are materialistic when it comes to fashion are the people that buy into certain trends, not for their own satisfaction, but in desperation to look cool. These people have a narrow view of fashion and our doing an injustice to us who have style. The second part of the stereotype is harder to answer, but this is only because of how broad the idea of not understanding oneself is. Simply put, if you're enjoying yourself and expressing yourself through clothing, then you understand yourself quite fine, it’s a hobby to some, and for others a way of life, both ways fine. Now that we have done away with that we can focus on the issue, which once again is that people are fashion incompetent.

(This is when I become an asshole)

WHAT THE FUCK! Why for fucks sake do I have to deal with these people who wander through my life looking like they ransacked the fucking homeless shelter and had a kid with 3^rd degree down syndrome pick their outfit. My eyes continually worsen due to these people that are fashion retarded. Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not by any means asking for people to dress like me or anyone that has good taste, I’m asking for people to be able to wear an outfit that doesn’t scream “I’M A STUPID UGLY FUCK.” There is no excuse for these fucking mistakes of humanity, seriously, they should have been aborted, but sadly, they weren’t, so I’m stuck with these cunts. I really want to go through each type of person, but I’m afraid that would take more then 5 syllables, so I will point out just a few.

1) White girls and guys with to much fucking makeup! Holy shit in a baby's cradle I hate this. White girls that feel putting an excessive amount of makeup on will somehow make them attractive is fucking stupid. Wake up call bitch! You're an ugly(!), now deal with it and die. Along with the makeup you have the girls that will bleach their hair and then have a black strip going down with it. WHAT THE FUCK! You look like a manic depressed whore who crawled out of Freddy Kruegers vagina, and then got bit by vagina spiders all over the face. DISGUSTING

2) The black girls (and some white skanks) who wear the most mismatched outfits full of random fucking colors that make me think I’m looking at a Picasso painting but made by 50 Cent and a three year old that put a box of crayons up his ass and then went at it! It’s not cool, it’s not thuggish, and certainly not fashionable (especially not the chicken flavored lip gloss). My example would be this group of girls that I saw yesterday at the mall, one of these girls had the audacity to wear Apple Bottom Jeans, a Baby Phat coat, Ralph Lauren nonprescription glasses, a orange & brown polka dot scarf, and fucking stilettos that were pink. If you’re not vehemently disgusted by this fashion disaster then you should be medicated, and put on a dialysis machine.

3) Emos and Goths are assholes, douche bags, fucking losers, waffle cunts, losers that will never omit to anything, boys that wear their sisters jeans that result in them having 5inch penises, and groups of people that actually think they are individuals because of the way they live their life and how they dress. And just exactly how do they dress? Well both groups choose to look astonishingly similar, except Emos wear what Goths wear but they get their clothing from Baby Gap. Goths get their clothes from “Spencer’s” which is thought to be a store full of people that think they are edgy but in reality it's just a store for kids who are rejected by society and chose to buy some bullshit that makes them think their badass and think that they have artistic abilities, i.e. drawing, writing poetry.

4) The Average Joe style. This is of course the most popular, and it is very successful in the apathetic department. Guys who just don’t give a shit and live life like nothing is important and think they are beyond this whole idea of self-expressionism. Word to the wise, when you walk into a job interview and are wearing a non fitted black suit, with brown shoes, silver tie, a black jean belt, and very dark navy blue shoes you can be damn sure you're not getting the job. I know this example is used a lot, but shocking as it seems, it’s because it has some fucking truth behind it you dimwitted idiot. Not giving two shits will affect the rest of your life, and instead of getting laid, getting the 100k job oppose to the 78k, getting the better friends, and getting appreciated by people, you will get the left over’s.

Those were just 4 out of 12 types of people that make me want to put Drano in their bottles of water or grape drank causing them to die a painful death in 12 hours. Style and having good fashion sense is something you develop, but for the people who don’t want to think about it, these are just a couple of quick random tips for you.

*Wearing clothes that don’t fit you make you look like a jackass, and no one likes a jackass. So, make sure your clothes actually fit you.

*Always match your belt with your shoes.

*Don’t be bland and wear a tie that is plain, instead live a little and make it pop. Make sure the tie goes with the shirt, sweater, or whatever you will be wearing. I like slim ties, but that’s because I’m a vest and jeans kinda guy. If you want to be safe, and fun, then go with diagonal strips, or maybe even polka dots.

*Socks need to match your pants at all times, they don’t need to be the same exact shade (that just looks bad) but they should be very close. If your like me, then you should get socks that add an aesthetic feeling. I really like wearing an argyle sweater with matching argyle socks for example, doing this adds to the various hues of the whole outfit.

*Watches could be the most important accessory for a man, as far as individualizing yourself goes. With jeans, you won’t wear a diamond encrusted Guess watch, you could wear a Max Bill watch (OMG). Be smart when buying a watch, because really, you only need two, and both should be fabulous, not a fucking Dakota watch.

*Invest in a two piece tailored suit, Hugo Boss would be great.

*Pocket squares or puffy ones? Obviously squares, but if your going for more of a rebel look then go for the puffy square that has is more aggressive, say a lime green skull and bones one.

*Want to seem smarter? Then go for a pair of nonprescription glasses, just like Sarah Palin. You can get these over at Urban Outfitters.

These are the basics, if asked I will get much more in depth in how to truly take advantage of the fashion world, with many interesting tips and tricks. Don’t be a wanker, dress respectably in public. Wearing sweat pants, and having your sweat drip from the taint is unattractive and makes me want to vomit. Most importantly, be yourself, and if yourself is a jackass who can’t dress, then learn how to and live on. You can be plain or you can be brilliant. Instead of getting the normal thermal, get a Splendid Mills long-sleeve thermal that will make you get that second glance. Once you get the basics, then you get more respect, and once this happens you can be much more experimental. I’m going to prom in a H&M tux with black sandals, and nonprescription thick rimmed glasses, if that’s not hot and new then I don’t what is. Enjoy your life, and express it with your newfound taste in clothing.

Thanks for reading.

Disagree? Then leave a comment letting me know why you’re a fucking retard, and when you do this make sure you grab your dads hunting knife and stick down your throat.

Agree? Then come to my house and join in on the circle jerk! Go to the mirror and tell yourself that you are fucking amazing, then smack a bitch.

Comment, subscribe, and continue to stay classy.

Due to the recent inauguration of Barack Obama, it has become blazingly obvious that we need to take action. The black community is beginning to rise above the shackles that we have placed on it. Even the Greater Institutional Racism(GIR) program, now over 100 years old, is failing. In order to ensure that the minorities we are ‘keeping down’ stay down, it’s going to take a personal effort from each and every one of us. For your convenience, I have compiled a list of things that I do every day so that you may oppress more effectively…

1) Every morning I wake up at precisely three o’ clock and take a walk through the neighborhood. Having memorized which buildings house minorities, I turn off their electricity, thereby resetting any alarm clocks within. Should you take the time to recreate this act, you’ll find that it is an extremely effective method of preventing entire families from attending school or going to work.

2) While it can be a pain to procure the necessary information, finding which bus routes go through heavily black areas will pay off immediately. After discovering which bus goes where, you can then let air out of their tires or even siphon gas. After gassing, or airing up, the buses won’t deliver students to school until long after the bells have rang (depending on your schools tardy policy, this can easily add up)!

After you’ve spent your early-morning hours keeping the black man down, you can do a tremendous amount of good at school. All it takes are the proper techniques…

1) Many teachers will have a tray on their desks that you may place your work for that class in. A quick glance around the room for safety and one trash bin full of papers later, you have an entire classroom of failing grades.

2) If your school has a ‘student mentoring’ program, then you have an opportunity that you simply cannot pass up. What do you do once you have your target pupil? Lie. Switch the Pythagorean Theorem with the quadratic formula, tell them to cross the I’s and dot the t’s, and make sure to let them know that that Pluto is a planet!

3) Has anyone ever asked you what the answer to question number four was? Next time they do, LIE. Better yet, I usually offer to let them cheat off of my (prefabricated) test. It’s hilarious to watch an entire group of people wonder how you could have passed the test when they hadn’t, especially after having ‘copied yours’. This works well on ACT’s.

4) You’ll have to write to your local GIR office for this one, but it makes for many laughs, and if you’re luckily, a few more of them off the streets! All you have to do is send in a request for planting materials, and you’ll receive three kilos of cocaine, divided into twenty-three bags. After planting these in lockers backpacks, or even larger pockets, you need only contact the (GIR) authorities, who will then have a perfectly legitimate reason to arrest your targets.

The rest of my day is usually spent researching new and creative ways to do my fair share, as most of the afternoon oppression is handled by GIR (college admissions, job applications, etc.). However, it can’t hurt to take some time off, cruise around the more diverse areas of your neighborhood, and cause property damage. This can be accomplished with a group of friends armed with BB rifles, shooting from the safety of a car. The shock of a window exploding is just enough of a distraction for you to make a safe getaway.

In reading this, I hope that your eyes have been opened to the potential success of the black community, and your potential in preventing it. GIR cannot overcome this crisis on its own, but with our help, we can transcend any limits set for us. There are those who argue against us, telling us that it is impossible to hold the black man down forever. They say that it’s infeasible; they say that we simply can’t. I propose that we look them dead in the eyes and fight fire with fire: “Yes we can”.

Regards,

Douche²

The Sheep of Obama

The Sheep of Obama

You know what an avid-Obama supporter is? A fucking moronic moron, bigot, dimwitted, loser who obviously hasn’t the slightest idea of what democracy is about. I don’t think Plato meant for democracy to be turned into a “who can shout the loudest” competition and that’s exactly what it was (that’s funny because in ancient Greece that’s exactly how they won arguments). Democracy in this case is nothing more then a fucking joke. What’s the point of voting, if all I have to do is wear a shirt that doesn’t even fucking fit me, and jump up in down for a man I know nothing about except that he’s black and is for "change," whatever the fuck that means. Obama fans constantly make fools out of themselves by wearing these fucking shirts, not only are these people too incompetent to get a shirt that fits, but also are so pathetic that they go with the one with sparkles. This just shows how the masses are lost in the glitz & glamor of it (Lady Gaga supports him, he must be good (!)), and once its done, well, then they stop caring. Need proof? I want the person reading this to go out and find an avid-Obama supporter, and ask that person what Obamas fiscal policy entitles. Shocking as it may seem (sarcasm to the left), their going to look at you dumbfounded, and then they will go back to the jumping and screaming, that's what their good at. It’s funny because the only difference between an avid-Obama supporter and a football addict is that one of them is going to be making a decision that affects everyone’s lives. I wonder what these fucks are going to do now since their Messiah is finally in office, oh wait, I know, their going to talk about how every fucking day is history because we have a black president. I fucking hate that shit “it’s history (!)” Yes, it is history, but so is me jacking off yesterday and me remembering it today, that’s HISTROY, so shut the fuck up.

Before we go into a rant, let us really examine these people, and show the parallel between sports fanatics and avid Obama supporters.

It seems as though Barack Obama’s supporters have been lacking in their zealotry lately. For the past few months nearly everyone I know has been shouting “Yes We Can” from the rooftops, wearing Obama’s face on their chests, and insinuating that I ‘m a bigot for disagreeing with his policies. The youth that has been so recently “politically active” seems to have quit caring about politics again. Throwing out the rational argument that Obama’s campaign was won on hype and a very clever play of the race card, we are left with one explanation: people are equating politics to sports.

Let’s pretend that the University of Michigan and the University of Michigan State football teams are the Republican and Democratic parties, respectively. Living in Michigan means that you absolutely must choose one school to support. For those of you who don’t live in Michigan, you need know only this: people have died during drunken debate over which team is better. Now that teams have been established, we can review the score of the big game of 2008.

Michigan State won with a score of 365 points to a measly 173! The fans were ecstatic, bounding up and down the streets howling victoriously; however, the ravenous celebration only lasts a few days. When the season ends, the fans appear in droves to the closing ceremonies (or inauguration). Slowly but surely, the fans forget about football until the next face-off between the two big teams…

Back in reality, the game doesn’t end after the election. In fact, it might not end for another eight years. What the ignorant masses fail to realize is that Barack Obama represents no real or meaningful change, just more of the same. As much as they deny it, and as much as Obama may deny it, this entire election has been centered on race. Many years ago, a man had a dream in which a man might not be ‘judged by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character’. Congratulations America; he's rolling in his grave.

Disagree? Well, if you do indeed completely disagree it’s because you have inhaled a colossal amount of shit and have been deluding yourself of the truth, I admit sometimes the Kool-Aid is tasty. If you agree with us to some extent then you are welcome into our loving arms, while their you can join us in a circle jerk marathon!

Thanks for reading, as always please subscribe, reply, and continue to be fucking amazing!

Love you all!

Sincerely Mr. Right & Douche

WOMEN

WHAT THE FUCK! WHY!? Why do men have to bend over backwards for women (this has two meanings, because sometimes a big dildo attached on can really satisfy a man (!)), we do everything and they intern do jack shit. I admittedly suck with women, that’s why…well that can wait. I really don’t know where to began with this blog, but I’m sure as hell going to try. The first problem I have is actually confronting these beasts (because their certainly not human). How hard can it be to confront women? REALLY FUCKING HARD…like trying to shove your dick in a 24 FL OZ diet coke bottle…that’s how hard. You have to confront them and play games, when all you really want is a fudge cupcake and a fucking sloppy blowjob…and then to be done, no strings attached. What the fuck is commitment? Why the hell would I stick with one women who is going to complain and make me want to stick a steel coated dildo into my ears thus causing blood to sporadically squirt all over the whores face. Why the fuck would I be with someone that during an awesome movie asks if she can borrow my coat (?), hell to the fucking NO, you should of brought your own coat you fucking retard…now stick your hand in this extra buttered popcorn and make me happy! You think commitment means she loves you? WRONG!!! She’s going to think she loves you for 5 fucking minutes, and then BAM (kinda like the big bang, only a cum shot from a black man named Tyrone Biggens). She doesn’t love you innless you do an astronomical amount of shit for her. You have to buy her shit (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries (?). Yea fucking right), take her out to eat, take her out to the movies, watch “The Notebook” (I cried during the movie) and then you have to give her pleasure! WHAT! I’m a 30 second man, I can’t handle all this fucking yoga palate bullshit. I watch porn in admiration of what others can do, I sure as the hell don’t watch it so I can do some crazy foreign shit that could cause me to rip my hamstring (mmmmmmmm I love ham, but especially when you put it in the skillet with butter, kinda like in the beginning of “Dexter”.) Love? You’re to fucking young and so I’m I to know what the fuck love is, so in order to pass the time put a fucking table on your head, make me a goddamn sandwich, and caress my hairy, sweaty, nipples until I splurge my magical nut frosting on your face. (Are you offended yet?) Then women want to have babies! FUCK BABIES!!! (Adoption is cool, as long as the child is taught to shut the fuck up) They are fucking ugly fat pieces of shit that eat, poop, and piss on you….why the fuck would I want one of these abominations. On top of that, I have to go through hell, not only does my wife gain an extra 300 pounds, but she he also gets lazy. What the fuck am I going to do with a bitchy hippo, that during this baby making time bullshit, can’t make me my fucking prime rib? I know what! I’m goanna find me someone fucking else and leave your bitch ass with the dumb cunt baby. It’s to hard for me to deal with all that bullshit. Thank the heavens filled with majestic white people I’m gayer then fuck, and prefer the cock. As always, if you like what’s been written, please subscribe, reply and enjoy your life. But, if you disagree, then I highly suggest you get an illegal switch blade (ask a Mexican where to find one), cut your penis off and stick in your fucking mouth and learn to shut the fuck up for once in your pathetic life. VANISH AND DIE!!!

Sincerely Mr. Right