WOMEN

WHAT THE FUCK! WHY!? Why do men have to bend over backwards for women (this has two meanings, because sometimes a big dildo attached on can really satisfy a man (!)), we do everything and they intern do jack shit. I admittedly suck with women, that’s why…well that can wait. I really don’t know where to began with this blog, but I’m sure as hell going to try. The first problem I have is actually confronting these beasts (because their certainly not human). How hard can it be to confront women? REALLY FUCKING HARD…like trying to shove your dick in a 24 FL OZ diet coke bottle…that’s how hard. You have to confront them and play games, when all you really want is a fudge cupcake and a fucking sloppy blowjob…and then to be done, no strings attached. What the fuck is commitment? Why the hell would I stick with one women who is going to complain and make me want to stick a steel coated dildo into my ears thus causing blood to sporadically squirt all over the whores face. Why the fuck would I be with someone that during an awesome movie asks if she can borrow my coat (?), hell to the fucking NO, you should of brought your own coat you fucking retard…now stick your hand in this extra buttered popcorn and make me happy! You think commitment means she loves you? WRONG!!! She’s going to think she loves you for 5 fucking minutes, and then BAM (kinda like the big bang, only a cum shot from a black man named Tyrone Biggens). She doesn’t love you innless you do an astronomical amount of shit for her. You have to buy her shit (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries (?). Yea fucking right), take her out to eat, take her out to the movies, watch “The Notebook” (I cried during the movie) and then you have to give her pleasure! WHAT! I’m a 30 second man, I can’t handle all this fucking yoga palate bullshit. I watch porn in admiration of what others can do, I sure as the hell don’t watch it so I can do some crazy foreign shit that could cause me to rip my hamstring (mmmmmmmm I love ham, but especially when you put it in the skillet with butter, kinda like in the beginning of “Dexter”.) Love? You’re to fucking young and so I’m I to know what the fuck love is, so in order to pass the time put a fucking table on your head, make me a goddamn sandwich, and caress my hairy, sweaty, nipples until I splurge my magical nut frosting on your face. (Are you offended yet?) Then women want to have babies! FUCK BABIES!!! (Adoption is cool, as long as the child is taught to shut the fuck up) They are fucking ugly fat pieces of shit that eat, poop, and piss on you….why the fuck would I want one of these abominations. On top of that, I have to go through hell, not only does my wife gain an extra 300 pounds, but she he also gets lazy. What the fuck am I going to do with a bitchy hippo, that during this baby making time bullshit, can’t make me my fucking prime rib? I know what! I’m goanna find me someone fucking else and leave your bitch ass with the dumb cunt baby. It’s to hard for me to deal with all that bullshit. Thank the heavens filled with majestic white people I’m gayer then fuck, and prefer the cock. As always, if you like what’s been written, please subscribe, reply and enjoy your life. But, if you disagree, then I highly suggest you get an illegal switch blade (ask a Mexican where to find one), cut your penis off and stick in your fucking mouth and learn to shut the fuck up for once in your pathetic life. VANISH AND DIE!!!

Sincerely Mr. Right

Car Fresheners... Not So Fresh Anymore

There is a problem in America today. It's everywhere and its swinging and dangling. No, I'm not talking about mandingos playing golf. No, if only the problem were that simple where a quick policy change (i.e. reinstating a White's Only clause) could correct the problem. This country's big dangling problem is pine-scented, air freshening and deadly. The 20th century man (not woman) accomplished an astronomical amount of achievements (i.e. Wright Brothers fly the first plane, Einstein theorizes General Relativity, and of course grape drink is invented. These achievements, while truly remarkable, pale in comparison to the car freshener. The car fresheners were once a good idea and helped those who needed a whiff of paradise, but now it has transformed into something truly evil, which of course has always been the intention. Mexico was going through some harsh times in the 40s and they were mad at Americans for their amazing lives at the expense of others, thus the Mexicans created the car fresheners and produced them at levels that are unheard of. Before Americans could decide for themselves whether or not they wanted these abominations or not, they had disgusting gelatinous men literally coming up to them and begging for them to buy these scented trees. Naturally being the frugal Americans we were and still are, we bought the product, and we fell in love with it, just like Ray Charles fell in love with photography (he also played a wicked guitar solo when he first left Zeppelin). Little did Americans know that the once beautiful smell of cherry would be turned into a godless communist smelling device that emits pine straight from Canada (Canada drinks hater raid, and that’s a fucking fact). The American people have lost hope in their countries for a myriad of reasons, but this is clearly one of the most powerful. These once harmless tress are now emitting the insufferable smell of pine, which then makes the hard working God loving Americans think of a land in which actually cares about its people….ABSURD!!! I believe it was Napoleon who said “if you don’t believe in America then your dumbass who should be taking out back and shot.” I imagine you are now asking yourself “well what can I do(?),” the answer is really quite simple and that is for all Americans and women to stop buying Car fresheners, buy a M-16, and pray to God. To better understand this current situation, let us get deeper into hairy, fudge encrusted annul of the situation. For the past several years, the average number of traffic deaths in the United States has hovered around the 40,000 mark, according the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA). But, what the NHTSA does NOT say, is that 97.3% of these deaths are pine-scent air freshener-related. I did not believe it either when I first thought about it, but then the more I thought (and the more second-hand fumes I inhaled from my roomate's blunt), the more it made scents: Pine air fresheners kill! Think about all the time's you're sitting in the driver's seat (or like me, your sitting in the passenger's seat and your mom's driving) and your vision was blocked partially by the seemingly, benevolent pine-scented air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror. These little Christmas-Trees are throwing us off with their harmless, cheerful appearance and savory perfume; based on my college-educated formulas, between 2% and 60% of the driver's vision is obscured by these menacing, so-easily purchased accessories for our vehicles. Now, you might ask me, "How did you get this formula and what kind of solution is 2%-60%???" And to that I would respond, "My grandfather went to Columbia and has 29 scientific patents so shut the fuck up." My point is, the only way to ensure that these pine-scented air fresheners do not destroy us is to hold a massive pine scented air-freshener burning. I figure somewhere in Nevada is the best place, since that's where our country puts all our other unwanted garbage: our nuclear waste, casinos, the Baldwins, etc. Americans face a grave danger when it comes to these air fresheners. They kill children. You don't hate children, do you?? As always, if you disagree with us then write your criticisms down on a dildo and shove it up your ass. But, if you find yourself nodding your head in appreciation of the genius at work here, then please give yourself a pat on the back accompanied with a happy ending. YOU DESERVED IT!

Sincerely Mr. Right and Dr. UrADumbass

The task of gift wrapping.

Gift wrapping has been around since the six packed chizzled Romans, who would give each other gifts wrapped in colorful paper, this was for the Roman New Year. This tradition of gift giving has now become mainstream as a result of Christmas. During those times life was much simpler, but today that's not so. A friend of mine recently had a birthday, and I being the nice person I am, decided to get him a gift. Little did I know that I was about to embark on a journey of bullshit. First of all, the idea of having to shop for someone else is completely absurd. Do people realize the amount of physical exertion that is required to, not only gift wrap, but also to travel great distances to get where the gift is. When I arrived at the mall and I went into Hollister to get the gift, I came up to the cashier and asked if they would gift wrap it for me, and what does this pimple on the face of society say… .“NO!” No? So I ask how exactly do I get such an item wrapped. The guy tells me to do it myself, and that I would need to go to hallmark to get the stuff to wrap it. Now I have hall my pale ass all the way over to Hallmark to get this damn thing wrapped, and when I get there, I then apparently have to get tape, a card, some type of cutting device, and a bow! I’m not meant for this kind of physical labor, I am old man dammit!

I didn’t get my friend the gift because by the end of this escapade I found myself in a puddle of my own sweat, urine, and vomit. Never again will I do this, I must find an establishment or person that can do all of this for me, otherwise I will be forever lost my own ineptitude of such a task. If you don't agree with me your obviously a dimwitted buffoon who should drink a gallon of Drano and do the world one over. But if you do, well then you deserve to have a parade in your name.

Sincerely Mr. Right.