Roman, Numerals Scum of Today

Roman numerals are an ancient numbering system that is still used today but only in the most intellectual and important settings. They have mostly faded out and here in the greatest country in the world (the United States of America) we have changed to the Arabic numbering system (those filthy goddamn sand people take our oil and our numbers). However scholars and intellectuals alike have found a way to sneak them back into everyday society. For example the Super Bowl. Do you think that an average person sitting on their couch in the Midwest drinking a beer watching superbowlXXLVI, actually knows what the fuck that means? No they don’t and neither do you. People only pretend to know roman numerals, and instead of actually knowing the number, they get only a rough estimate. For example XLVIII (48) becomes 21. On average it takes a regular red-blooded American 2 hours and 25 minutes to translate CLXXVI into 176 and that is not including the time it took to google roman numerals to figure out that C is 100, L is 50 and so on and so on. Why take that much time on numbers? This isn’t Japan where everything is slow and tranquil, or the Arabia where they have the time to figure out which direction is east and pray five times a day to Allah (whoever that is). I am a dedicated Christian American and I can only afford to go to church on the major holidays; Christmas and Easter (the other Sundays I am sleeping through a rough hangover from the night before). We are Americans and everything needs to be catered to our needs, we are on a schedule and the rest of the world should follow.

Why do the prestigious ass holes think that it is ok to throw roman numerals into today’s society? I tell you why. It is a conspiracy. They know that all the average Americans, the heart of this country, are sitting at home taking hours to figure out what some number is while they, the useless intellectual pricks of this country, take that time to go organic food shopping while we get stuck with pizza for the 5th night in a row. I spoke to an intellectual about my theory once and he said that if it bothers me so much why don’t you just learn how to read them. I became furious and said that if I wanted to learn another language I wouldn’t learn Roman because American is the best fucking language around. I drove home in my Ford truck and realized that the only reason he suggested learning Roman was to take up even more of my time. Learning Roman would take me years. He would have all that time to plant an organic vegetable garden in his backyard and then he would stop putting that vegetable money back into our great American economy by going to Meijer because he would have his own fucking vegetables. So as revenge I did as any normal American would do. I called my friends and we get dressed up in our white pointy hats and paid that intellectual son of a bitch a visit. Sorry to move away from the original point of how roman numerals are the scum of today but that needed to be said. It just seems odd that regular books like ESPN magazine don’t use roman numerals but philosophical bullshit does. They are stopping us from reading smart books when they add roman numerals. They are driving the average American away from Shakespeare and towards Maxim. I mean I wan to read smart stuff too, but I don’t want to have to take 8 years to figure out what page I am on. Page 17, that is easy to remember, but page XVII is not. XVII, that is way too fucking long. It even takes a long time to say let alone translate. We learn roman numerals in elementary school but don’t actually use them until we are reading philosophy shit in college. So only the freaks we used to beat up in elementary school with photographic memories remember that shit, and now they are getting back at us. So put on your white pointy hats and join me in kicking every prestigious dick’s dick in so that they will think twice before using another roman numeral.

Sincerely,

XLVIII