Due to the recent inauguration of Barack Obama, it has become blazingly obvious that we need to take action. The black community is beginning to rise above the shackles that we have placed on it. Even the Greater Institutional Racism(GIR) program, now over 100 years old, is failing. In order to ensure that the minorities we are ‘keeping down’ stay down, it’s going to take a personal effort from each and every one of us. For your convenience, I have compiled a list of things that I do every day so that you may oppress more effectively…

1) Every morning I wake up at precisely three o’ clock and take a walk through the neighborhood. Having memorized which buildings house minorities, I turn off their electricity, thereby resetting any alarm clocks within. Should you take the time to recreate this act, you’ll find that it is an extremely effective method of preventing entire families from attending school or going to work.

2) While it can be a pain to procure the necessary information, finding which bus routes go through heavily black areas will pay off immediately. After discovering which bus goes where, you can then let air out of their tires or even siphon gas. After gassing, or airing up, the buses won’t deliver students to school until long after the bells have rang (depending on your schools tardy policy, this can easily add up)!

After you’ve spent your early-morning hours keeping the black man down, you can do a tremendous amount of good at school. All it takes are the proper techniques…

1) Many teachers will have a tray on their desks that you may place your work for that class in. A quick glance around the room for safety and one trash bin full of papers later, you have an entire classroom of failing grades.

2) If your school has a ‘student mentoring’ program, then you have an opportunity that you simply cannot pass up. What do you do once you have your target pupil? Lie. Switch the Pythagorean Theorem with the quadratic formula, tell them to cross the I’s and dot the t’s, and make sure to let them know that that Pluto is a planet!

3) Has anyone ever asked you what the answer to question number four was? Next time they do, LIE. Better yet, I usually offer to let them cheat off of my (prefabricated) test. It’s hilarious to watch an entire group of people wonder how you could have passed the test when they hadn’t, especially after having ‘copied yours’. This works well on ACT’s.

4) You’ll have to write to your local GIR office for this one, but it makes for many laughs, and if you’re luckily, a few more of them off the streets! All you have to do is send in a request for planting materials, and you’ll receive three kilos of cocaine, divided into twenty-three bags. After planting these in lockers backpacks, or even larger pockets, you need only contact the (GIR) authorities, who will then have a perfectly legitimate reason to arrest your targets.

The rest of my day is usually spent researching new and creative ways to do my fair share, as most of the afternoon oppression is handled by GIR (college admissions, job applications, etc.). However, it can’t hurt to take some time off, cruise around the more diverse areas of your neighborhood, and cause property damage. This can be accomplished with a group of friends armed with BB rifles, shooting from the safety of a car. The shock of a window exploding is just enough of a distraction for you to make a safe getaway.

In reading this, I hope that your eyes have been opened to the potential success of the black community, and your potential in preventing it. GIR cannot overcome this crisis on its own, but with our help, we can transcend any limits set for us. There are those who argue against us, telling us that it is impossible to hold the black man down forever. They say that it’s infeasible; they say that we simply can’t. I propose that we look them dead in the eyes and fight fire with fire: “Yes we can”.

Regards,

Douche²