College

You got there! Congratulations, you’re in college and things are new and exciting. You’re going to travel to exotic places, learn new things, and gain experience in this big thing I like to call shit….life. While all this is handy and dandy to the point where a gay man can get excited for a new pair of Prada shoes, I must digress. Because while College offers the aforementioned it also has the ability to delude kids into thinking that what they are doing at college actually has some meaning that will affect the whole fucking world, when in reality they are living their normal lives in constant debauchery. College kids think they have grasped what life is about, and that they some how know more then the average person, they walk with their head high, too high.

College students today believe that they have a heightened sense of morality, and that they need to act on this. College students do a lot to make themselves feel like their contributing to society and or humanity. Typically, something will inspire these types, whether it be a speaker or a book, they’ll get inspired and pursue their new found ideology. They might put the flag of a country in their room, posters on their walls, change the way they look, start blogging, become more defensive of their ideas, and things of that nature. When you really look at this, you’ll realize just how puerile it is. In some regards it can be considered a good thing for teenagers to go through this phase, but guess what (?), it’s fucking annoying to me and therefore it’s stupid.

Student activism! That should be a fucking Oxymoron, unless the student is only doing it to look good, which is sadly NOT the case. Student activism is fucking ridiculously stupid for a myriad for reasons, but the big one would be that these dumb cunt students think there going to actually effect someone. LAMO! Raising awareness about the genocide in Dar Fur (hey, we have a big population so a little genocide is okay), child soldiers (they need work to survive), the mistreatment of women in DRC (who the fuck cares), global warming (hoax), the killings in Gaza (cry me a river), these are all important topics, but the fact is that putting up posters and writing to Congress does jack shit. Millions of babies die each year in Africa because they lack oral treatment kits that only cost 12 cents, and we have spent over a trillion dollars on Africa, so where the fuck is the money going? You’re not saving lives when you become an activist, you are annoying people like me by shouting into a speakerphone about some damn kid I don’t know named Ubonto and the limbs he doesn’t have (I like ribs with ranch). So, for now I want to ask any and all student activists to shut the fuck up, and stop wearing your damn “Save Darfur shirts.”

So you were lucky enough to go to some fucking country and live with some people you’ll never see again (facebook won’t last forever bitch), whoopdee fucking do for you! This does not fucking mean you have a better understanding of life then anyone else, it just means you got to meet some people and eat new food (wow, you’re so culturally diverse now). In some cases, students will travel to some godforsaken place where people don’t have a pot to piss in, and they will actually help them build some shit, maybe one of their shanty’s made out of dog shit and blood. While this is nice, it doesn’t mean you understand the world any better then someone who reads BBC each day (me), it just means you got to see firsthand some kid that had a life harder then a black mans cock in between the tits of some white women named Candy (Nisce(!)).

What’s all this about students finding themselves? BULLSHIT! You haven’t found yourself if you have convinced yourself that you have found yourself. God damn it! Oh, because you joined some religion you now have a deeper understanding of life and are more enlightened, or maybe you’re self-actualized. WRONG! What’s the fun new religion on the block for people seeking to make themselves different? Buddhism! Oh yes, Buddhism is growing at an astronomical degree, specifically in college campuses and the woods where hippies live. Apparently, kids think it’s cool to join a religion they know nothing about, for the sole purpose of looking cool, and it’s in comics! Guess what jackass! You won’t magically be able to use a sword, and you won’t be able to speak Japanese just because you’re a part of Buddhism. I fucking hate these people, wearing black long trench coats, with nasty ass hair dyed blue & black, and then they have the big ass beads around their neck. (What an individual you are!) You can also have people who claim to have found themselves because they discovered there roots (great movie)! What the fuck does that even mean, “discovered their roots?” It’s not hard to discover your roots and when you do that doesn’t mean anything, it just means that you (in this case) found out that your great ancestor was a slave. This doesn’t make you more aware of what slaves went through, and you don’t now have a personal connection to them to the point where a white person wouldn’t be able to comprehend what a slave went through. You weren’t the slave, so shut the fuck up. What now, going to start wearing Yorba and walk around with your following preaching the word about how the white man is still oppressing? (What’s all this about Affirmative Action almost costing a trillion a year?) College students haven’t found themselves, they did however find something they can leach onto until they get bored and go on to the next trendy religion.

Mr. Big Man, living on his own, pays for his own food! Yea, no longer relying on mommy and daddy, because, you know, you’re a big man and have big responsibilities. I knew I smelled bullshit! Just because you live in a dorm, and have a part time job/sinecure does not mean you are your own man, you’re still relying on their finical support and are still licking their taint when needed, so don’t give me that bullshit.

How about the partying! Oh yea, can’t forget that. That’s the main reason to go to college, PARTY ON! Well, for people that truly believe this, I wish only the best for you, and by that I mean I wish for you to get in a car accident, resulting in you flying out of the car, hitting the cement, and thus instantaneously crushing your skull to the point where some of your God damn brain coming out and splirting onto your crashed car window. I’m fine with a party, but not every God damn day. Drinking is fun, but not when you puke in my mouth and then I puke in yours and we make a puke shake and then drink it. Getting drunk for no reason is idiotic, and usually makes for a scurrilous setting. While it’s funny to see your friend run up to a house naked and bash on some random persons door, it’s not fun to get caught. So for all of you fucking cunt buckets, I suggest you party when necessary, like at PARTYS, not at any given moment.

For the college students reading this and thinking that I don’t know what I’m talking about, you are only helping my cause against you and your stupidity. I have demonstrated what I believe to be a vast amount of veracity, only in the hopes for those certain college students to choke on a cock and lose their zealotry.

Disagree? Then tell me where you live so I can shoot you, cut out your skull and make your cranium into a bowl for me to eat my cereal out of as I watch the Flintstones. Talk about a good time!

Agree? Come to my house at 3:00 tomorrow and I will make you my famous cock in a steak. Followed by an afternoon of spooning and knitting each other’s sweaters.

Sincerely,

Mr. Right

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