Car Fresheners... Not So Fresh Anymore

There is a problem in America today. It's everywhere and its swinging and dangling. No, I'm not talking about mandingos playing golf. No, if only the problem were that simple where a quick policy change (i.e. reinstating a White's Only clause) could correct the problem. This country's big dangling problem is pine-scented, air freshening and deadly. The 20th century man (not woman) accomplished an astronomical amount of achievements (i.e. Wright Brothers fly the first plane, Einstein theorizes General Relativity, and of course grape drink is invented. These achievements, while truly remarkable, pale in comparison to the car freshener. The car fresheners were once a good idea and helped those who needed a whiff of paradise, but now it has transformed into something truly evil, which of course has always been the intention. Mexico was going through some harsh times in the 40s and they were mad at Americans for their amazing lives at the expense of others, thus the Mexicans created the car fresheners and produced them at levels that are unheard of. Before Americans could decide for themselves whether or not they wanted these abominations or not, they had disgusting gelatinous men literally coming up to them and begging for them to buy these scented trees. Naturally being the frugal Americans we were and still are, we bought the product, and we fell in love with it, just like Ray Charles fell in love with photography (he also played a wicked guitar solo when he first left Zeppelin). Little did Americans know that the once beautiful smell of cherry would be turned into a godless communist smelling device that emits pine straight from Canada (Canada drinks hater raid, and that’s a fucking fact). The American people have lost hope in their countries for a myriad of reasons, but this is clearly one of the most powerful. These once harmless tress are now emitting the insufferable smell of pine, which then makes the hard working God loving Americans think of a land in which actually cares about its people….ABSURD!!! I believe it was Napoleon who said “if you don’t believe in America then your dumbass who should be taking out back and shot.” I imagine you are now asking yourself “well what can I do(?),” the answer is really quite simple and that is for all Americans and women to stop buying Car fresheners, buy a M-16, and pray to God. To better understand this current situation, let us get deeper into hairy, fudge encrusted annul of the situation. For the past several years, the average number of traffic deaths in the United States has hovered around the 40,000 mark, according the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA). But, what the NHTSA does NOT say, is that 97.3% of these deaths are pine-scent air freshener-related. I did not believe it either when I first thought about it, but then the more I thought (and the more second-hand fumes I inhaled from my roomate's blunt), the more it made scents: Pine air fresheners kill! Think about all the time's you're sitting in the driver's seat (or like me, your sitting in the passenger's seat and your mom's driving) and your vision was blocked partially by the seemingly, benevolent pine-scented air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror. These little Christmas-Trees are throwing us off with their harmless, cheerful appearance and savory perfume; based on my college-educated formulas, between 2% and 60% of the driver's vision is obscured by these menacing, so-easily purchased accessories for our vehicles. Now, you might ask me, "How did you get this formula and what kind of solution is 2%-60%???" And to that I would respond, "My grandfather went to Columbia and has 29 scientific patents so shut the fuck up." My point is, the only way to ensure that these pine-scented air fresheners do not destroy us is to hold a massive pine scented air-freshener burning. I figure somewhere in Nevada is the best place, since that's where our country puts all our other unwanted garbage: our nuclear waste, casinos, the Baldwins, etc. Americans face a grave danger when it comes to these air fresheners. They kill children. You don't hate children, do you?? As always, if you disagree with us then write your criticisms down on a dildo and shove it up your ass. But, if you find yourself nodding your head in appreciation of the genius at work here, then please give yourself a pat on the back accompanied with a happy ending. YOU DESERVED IT!

Sincerely Mr. Right and Dr. UrADumbass